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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.